OK, so I was at Tesco today on one of my rare outings into the world, and I thought I'd buy a couple of DVD's.

The second was 'Most Haunted Live III' - the best of - apparently.

Anyway I'd only caught this series once on TV, and thought it a pile of dross because it's three quarters of an hour talking about what they've seen - between the presenter wannabe, a couple of so called historians who have lots of books about ghosts (in which case I have a DOCTORATE in history), a stage guy who is bald and has the hugest ears I've ever seen (which warrant paranormal investigations in themselves,) a spirit medium who talks to his spirit friend 'Sam' and a female presenter who is the biggest drama queen this planet has seen since John F. Kennedy's security team said 'this is not going too well is it?'

Followed by and interspersed with: their 'actual' findings. It's Big Brother goes ethereal.

I bought the DVD in the hope that it would show JUST the actual footage. Because I like spooking myself, and I was interested.

Alas.

There were two discs in the DVD, and on the second disc were three episodes, TWO, count em, TWO of which were behind the scenes footage where they interviewed everyone involved - TWICE, and listened to how genuinely interesting all the encounters were, and how great the Team was.. Norman Britta's would be proud.

Of the ACTUAL footage, each and EVERY encounter (known by the team as 'a vigil') goes very roughly thus:

[scene setting, switch off ALL the lights and go to the place at night. Use a night-vision camera so that everything already looks so much like Blair Witch, and you're waiting for the presenters nose to drip onto the camera, enter presenter and medium]

Yvy: Okay, we're walking in here now, we're walking in now, okay, everyone okay?
Medium: Yes we're fine Yvy ('eevy')
Sound Man: Yep, fine over here
Parapsychologist: Yes. I've started taking some EMF readings
Camera Man: Yep, fine
Makeup Girl: Yes
Floor Manager: Good here
Security: Hmph

Yvy: Okay, okay we're walking further now, we're walking further in now, okay, everyone okay? How is everyone feeling?
Medium: Yes we're fine Yvy
Sound Man: Yep, fine over here
Parapsychologist: Yes. I've started taking some EMF readings
Camera Man: Yep, fine
Makeup Girl: Yes
Floor Manager: Good here
Security: Hmph

Yvy: Okay, I'm definitely not liking this much, are you getting anything, how is everyone feeling?
Medium: Yes we're fine Yvy I'm definitely getting something
Sound Man: Yep, fine over here
Parapsychologist: Yes. Nothing here, I'm fine.
Camera Man: Yep, fine, oops, watch that step it's dark.
Makeup Girl: Yes oops, yes there's the step
Floor Manager: Good here
Security: Hmph

Yvy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WHAT WAS THAT, WHAT WAS THAT? DID EVERYONE HEAR THAT? OH MY GOD!
Medium: I'm picking up a man Yvy, yes, it's a MANNNNNNNN
Sound Man: Yep, fine over here
Parapsychologist: Yes. Nothing here, I'm fine. It was just me tripping up that step.
Camera Man: Yep, fine, I told you to watch that step.
Makeup Girl: Something touched my head
Floor Manager: Good here
Security: Hmph

Yvy: Okay, I'm fine, let's try and get a name
Medium: I'm picking up a man Yvy, yes, it's a MANNNNNNNN and oooh, ooooh it's...whats his name Sam...tell me his name Sam.... It's George, I'm getting a George
Sound Man: I didn't catch that
Parapsychologist: It's definitely dropped in temperature here.
Camera Man: [wobbles camera] Jesus!
Makeup Girl: What was that?
Floor Manager: I heard it too, OVER THERE!
Security: Hmph

[camera swings over there, nothing]

Yvy: Okay, who saw that, did everyone see that, shhhhhhhhhh AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH who said that! SOMEONE JUST WHISPERED SOMETHING
Medium: Now George, we're just here to talk to you, we don't want to ridicule you or anything, we just want to know more about you okay, tell him it's okay Sam....
Sound Man: I didn't catch that, lets do the table thing
Parapsychologist: My EMF meter is picking something up over there
Camera Man: [swings camera to where Yvy points and re-focuses] ...........
Makeup Girl: What was that?
Floor Manager: It's gone now, whatever it was
Security: Hmph

[table is set up (in the pitch black...) with a candle on it and four of them sit down to it]

Yvy: Okay, George we just want to talk to you, can you tell us if you're dead?
Medium ['George' has stepped into him and is talking]: GEORRRRRRRGE!, I'M GEORGE!
Blonde: Okay, George we don't want to ridicule you or anything, can you tell us if you're dead?
Medium ['George' has stepped into him and is talking]: GEORRRRRRRGE!, I'M GEORGE!
Blonde: Can you make the table move George? George make the table move
Medium ['George' has stepped into him and is talking]: grumble mumble [rocking]
Blonde: Come on George make the table move, can't you even do THAT? Come on George make the table move.

[TABLE MOVES]

Yvy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WHAT WAS THAT WHAT WAS THAT? DID EVERYONE SEE THAT? OHMYGOD?
Medium: Thank you George, thank you
Sound Man: It was the table moving.....
Parapsychologist: Yes. The table moved
Camera Man: I saw that, yes, definately got the table moving
Makeup Girl: oh my god the table moved
Floor Manager: [hand over mouth] oh my god
Security: Hmph, (though you can SEE his thoughts... you did ASK him to move the table - mutter)

Camera Man: [swings camera to where blonde points and re-focuses] ...........
Makeup Girl: What was that?
Floor Manager: It's gone now, whatever it was
Security: Hmph

AD-BLOOMIN-IFINITUM!

The most redeeming part of the tape was the Pendle Hill episode, which was apparently the stomping ground of some witches who were tortured and hanged there.

The farmhouse had been derelict for twenty years and there was most definately some glass-moving incidents (the glass eventually 'flew' off the table and smashed), and some incredible mass-HYSTERIA going on (the entire crew fainted one by one throughout, this was the most intersting part, incidentally).

Assume and put in your mind the fact that ghosts or apparitions or whatever you want to call them DO EXIST,

Then go into their derelict stomping grounds and insult them beyond belief (the medium and the presenter were clearly spitting venom throughout...) call them 'evil' and 'nothings' (yes, the presenter was, despite the fact that these women were tortured and murdered in the most awful way), and then be surprised when they start choking the sound man?

And these people call themselves professionals?

Throughout this episode I was secretly hoping that these nine poor souls, HAD they been there, would truly be insulted, manifest themselves, and hang everyone up by their soft parts. Especially the Director who was shaking violently throughout the 'glass divination', saying he was cold. (It was October 31st on some moorland in a derelict house, and one even admitted that the window had been open throughout)..

Sadly I think the witches had something BETTER to do. And good on them.

I will be watching it again, because all in all it's one of the very best comedies in my collection and will sit proudly next to the entire series of The Black Adder.

Wow, I'm a big fan of Most Haunted and Derek Acorah and if you love to scare yourself you've got to buy this DVD because it has Yvette Fielding allways getting scared. Anyway, and then Derek will talk to his spirit guide Sam and Derek tells you about the uncovered past of some of Britain and Ireland's most haunted buildings! So if you are a believer, enjoy! Or if you are a sceptic, you never know, this DVD may make you change your mind!