Stay Far, Far Away.

So, I've had to cut this review of mine down from 27 pages, and had to figure out how to describe two and a half years worth of hell from Sky in as few words as possible, while also giving the reasons why I had 27 pages in the first place. That wasn't an easy task, I can tell you that.

It began when a Sky representative appeared at my door the day after my 10 year old chunky Thompson TV blew up, and on the very same day I received a letter from the government to inform me of the cutting off of the analogue signal in August of that year. Because of Tony Blair's absolute genius of an idea (I wonder how much he got paid to do that), I am a disabled person who has been vilified for having to purchase a flat screen, digital TV.

I digress.

I got a standard Sky package which included broadband and documentaries, and at first, everything was fine. Until it wasn't fine, and my broadband speed was 4 meg at best, and 1.5 meg at worst. Sky couldn't do anything about my broadband speed because the 5 month old laptop I had at the time was clearly too old to handle the awesomeness of Sky broadband.

When it was shown my laptop wasn't to blame for the slow speeds, the problem just had to be my wiring, and when new wiring and a new microfilter didn't improve my speeds, they went above and beyond to get me a whopping 5 meg. When I say above and beyond, what I really mean is they actually did their jobs as engineers.

Only they didn't do their job very well, as my wi-fi began to cut out every 30-40 minutes, and then began to cut out every five minutes. Here are the things that the Sky Agents blamed it on:

My laptop
Where I purchased my laptop from
If I bought a display model, new stock, refurbished
If I had upgraded laptop myself or gotten 'a friend' to do it instead of 'a qualified technician'
Wiring
Microfilter


Not once did they ever place the blame where it belonged, and that was on the router they gave me. They begrudgingly sent a new one out to me, and 'lo and behold, it worked, and I had stable internet for an entire six months!

During those six months, I'd finally saved up to get myself one seriously cracking gaming PC that came with the works, including a fantastic 32gb RAM, six core i5 processor, 4gb graphics card... You name it, my PC had it.

By this point, I was onto my 7th Sky Agent, who was extremely annoyed that I provided the full list of tech specs for my new machine, which was lovingly named Hulk (R.I.P Hulk). So when my wi-fi began dropping out again, Sky Agent #7 was forced to do some work, despite the fact I had to cajole him into doing it. Anyway, one change of channel later, and everything was fine for another month or two, and then the wi-fi began to drop out again.

I changed the channel myself, which made it ten times worse, and so I went back to my original channel. Then my broadband began acting like dial-up, and the net would cut out every single time somebody phoned, which was an absolute effing nightmare, I can tell you.

Again, the blame was placed on me, my equipment, my wiring, microfilter, a virus, my extension lead, and even myself, because I couldn't possibly know how to set up an internet connection.

Yes, that noise was the sound of my rolling eyes bouncing off my skull.

Finally! August came around, and my contract was over! Unfortunately, my health had taken a very serious turn (I'm very disabled), and as I didn't want the stress of finding a new company, switching over etc, I signed up to another contract.

Worst. Mistake. Ever.

Within three weeks of renewing my contract, my broadband began to do the same things again, only this time, my land line began to cut out, too. Sky actually warned me when I phoned up (I'm onto Sky Agent #11 by this point), and I quote "You'll have to pay £60 if there's nothing wrong with your phone line, which there isn't, but if it will make you happy."

I wish everyone could hear the sigh following that sentence, I really do.

Would you believe my line was faulty? I know! Sky Broadband having technical issues is just so unbelievable, isn't it?! I mean, they're usually so perfect, and so flawless.

Faulty line was fixed, and I took great pleasure in speaking to Sky Agent #11 just to say "I told you so!" Childish, but satisfying.

My wi-fi began to do its thing, and dropped out every four hours, on the hour. Because I had no intention whatsoever of renewing anything with Sky, I simply ignored it, and waited the few minutes until my wi-fi reconnected. Yes, I did try a wired connection, but the broadband didn't work at all through a wired connection, and that even baffled my go-to PC fix-it man.

Then along came January of this year, and my broadband really began to get out of hand. Not only was the wi-fi dropping by this point, but certain webpages simply weren't loading whatsoever, and a lot of them were timing out because I was getting, and I kid you not, less than 2 meg. 1.7 and 1.8 were the better speeds, which was beyond ridiculous.

So then I tried to cancel Sky in order to take my custom to Aquiss Fibre Optic. Between the months of January and May, I spoke to no less than 8 Sky Agents, who kept me on the phone for over 40 minutes at a time. One of which dropped Sky right in the manure by admitting the Sagem modem I'd been given was completely decommissioned some years ago.

Yes, the 'new' modem which they had supplied me with was the black and grey Sagem modem. When my BT engineer came to install my Fibre Optic, he looked at it, and said "Sky gave you that?"

Again, I digress.

Sky Agent #16 sent me one of their hubs, which I agreed to try just to get off the phone. I didn't even bother to open the box, and sent it back within the week. Sky Agent #17 was spoken to in June, and after two and a half years of utter bull shat, I finally got my own back.

Sky Agent No. #17: "Is there any one particular reason why you want to leave us? I mean, you've been a good customer for some years now, and we hate to lose our good clients."

Me: "There's no one particular reason, no. I have a few friends that have been with Aquiss for years, and I've seen the difference between their game of Warcraft and mine. Mine has far more lag, videos on Youtube jitter, stop and start, constant buffering, and I even have trouble running silly games on Facebook."

Now I must insert a warning here, for this is the part where Sky Agent No. #17 makes himself out to be wholly and completely thick, while making Sky look as though they employ the local village idiot to work their technical support department.

Me: "My PC has a six core processor, 16 gb of RAM specified for gaming, a 2 tb hard drives... The works. So it's not my machine that causes Youtube videos to continuously buffer, and nor is my PC the reason behind the terrible lag I get."

Sky Agent No. #17: "You'll have to excuse me here. I'm not at all technical myself, so I don't know what this... lag did you say... I don't know what that is. And jittering. What do you ean by jittering?"

Me: "You don't know what lag is?"

Sky Agent No. #17: "I'm afraid not. Could you explain it to me?"

Me: "It's where there is time between you doing, or trying to do something, and it actually happening on screen. Like when I type to my mum on Facebook and there is a 13 second delay between my fingers hitting the keys, and the letters appearing on screen."

Sky Agent No. #17: "That actually happens?"

Me: "Yes, and it happens a few times a week, when my internet speed is below 2 meg. I generally have to re-set my router after that, and sometimes even turn my PC off."

Sky Agent No. #17: "So your PC is..."

Me: "Not to blame. Hulk had a full MOT and partial upgrade in January of this year, so you can't lay Sky's faulty service on my equipment this time, I'm afraid."

Sky Agent No. #17: "Have Sky agents actually done that to you? Blamed your equipment?"

Me: "Ninety percent of them, yes. I've learned a lot since I first joined Sky, and I now know the age, make, model, where it came from, stock or display has absolutely nothing to do with the malfunctioning internet."

Sky Agent No. #17: "Wow. That's not good of us, is it? So, it's just the broadband? If you went Fibre Optic, you wouldn't have these problems. You could have speeds up to 40..."

Me: "The key word in your sentence is 'could'. I could have decent speed, but I won't."

Sky Agent No. #17: "You can't expect high speeds all the time, not even from your new company... Aquish, you said..."

Me: "Aquiss, and I understand that, but I will have far more with them than I do now, and I'd also have better customer service. Finding a Sky agent that actually uses their ears and their brain at the same time is like finding a needle in Kansas, let alone a haystack."

Sky Agent No. #17: "I thought you said there wasn't any one particular reason you wanted to leave?"

Me: "There is, however, ten, and that's just off the top of my head."

The above conversation basically summerises every single conversation I have ever had with Sky Agents. That conversation only got better:

Sky Agent No. #17: "You do know you're going to be paying more with this Aquish? And unless you're going to get Fibre Optic from them, you're just going to have the same problems you've had with us. You can have 30 days free trial with Sky Fibre Optic..."

Me: "Okay. Enough. Say I do take you up on this offer. Everything is fine and dandy, it works great, and then the day comes when it doesn't work. It will be the same customer service all over again. Countless phone calls over an hour in length with people trained to blame the customer and the customer's machine for the brand's faulty network. I'll need a new this, a new that, need to change some channel or do something which won't make a difference because Sky's Fibre Optic is faulty. I made the mistake of continuing my custom when my contract ran out, but I'm done now. I've had enough, and I want to cancel, so please, let me cancel, and go with Aquiss who, by the way, do not use the same line as Sky."

You would think that would be the end of Nightmare On Sky Street, wouldn't you? But no. I'm not that lucky.

On Thursday 14th of August, two months after Sky Agent #17 said he was going to cancel my Sky account, £26.83 is taken out of my bank account by Sky Digital. I called up, and guess what I discovered?

Sky Agent #17 never bothered to cancel my account, and this is after I paid £44 for a final bill in July.

I was promised a refund that would be in my bank account within 48 hours, and since it was Thursday, my refund was expected to be in my bank account yesterday, on the 18th of August.

This is the conversation I had with Sky Agent #19 today, whom I spoke to via the Live Chat service on Sky's website:

Me: Hello, I would just like to know what's happening with my refund, thank you.

Sky Agent #19: Of course can you tell me when this was actioned

Me: I rang Sky last week, on either Thursday or Friday, as £26.83 had been billed from my bank account as the Sky agent I spoke to at the end of June didn't cancel my Sky account, like he said he would.

Sky Agent #19: Thank you let me access the account for you

Please confirm the full name/surname for the account along with the full home address including postcode.

Me: *gives details*

Sky Agent #19: Thank you for confirming those details, please bear with me a moment while I access your account and get the information I need.

Sorry for the extended wait here. I am still looking into this for you, I wont be much longer. Thank you for your patience.

Me: I've been left with £3.20 in my bank account, which means I can't pay for my Morphine, which means I've gone five days without my painkillers.

Me: I'm disabled, and I have a pelvis snapped in half, so when I say I need my painkiller, it's an understatment.

Sky Agent #19: What I can see is that there has been no refund as yet as the services only cancelled on the 27th August, which mean I can sort the refund for you now, i hope you have been explained why this did not cancel on the 4th June as we never got anything from your new provider to tell us they were taking over your services

The refund will take 3 - 5 working days to go back to your bank

Me: They weren't taking over, they put a new line in, and the person I spoke to in June was *supposed* to have cancelled my account then.

Sky Agent #19: This was not done but the agent you spoke with on the 17th has cancelled this and I will get the £27.26 refunded now

i am sorry  I can see where the services have been cancelled, but there was no refund done, i have done this and you can check this through http://Sky.com, any refund can take 3 -5 working days

Me: Thanks very much.

I closed chat at this point because I am so effing sick to the back teeth of having to constantly deal with the suck that is Sky's idea of customer service. Given the experience I've had with Sky over the last two and a half years, all I can say is I cannot wait to post my review online, just so the whole world can see what a bunch they really are.

I truly hope people read this review, and decide to spare themselves the hell that is Sky Broadban and Customer Service.

There are far better companies out there, like Aquiss, who are fantastic.

Sky aren't worth a single pence of your money, they aren't worth a moment of your time, and they certainly aren't worth thinking about in terms of service. Never have I been subjected to such abysmal service by any company, and that includes the doctor who asked if I was in her office for drugs.

Save yourselves the hell, and go elsewhere. Untrained Howler monkeys would be more efficient.

I also don't need to pay for my Morphine, I said that in order to get my money back, which will apparently be in 3-5 days. Until then, I have £3.20 on which to survive. My mother can't loan me anything, as she literally doesn't have an incoming penny to her name, and my dad is retired, so all he has is his pension.

If I get any bank charges because of Sky, so help me Goddess, for I will not be responsible for my actions.


P.S. Hulk died after I had an 11 hour power cut in July, and when the power came back on, obliterated my surge protection, and caused £350 worth of damage! Yes, I cried, but my PC fix-it man, came to my rescue, and built me a pretty new machine whom I have called Nitrogenny.