African Safari Club, Royal Star Review

Overall Rating

Short. Cheap.

The cruise is described as 'luxury'. If you're expectations and tastes are those of Sid James ca. 1963, then perhaps it is. If, perchance, you can tell the difference between lobster and crab sticks, then it certainly is not. The red wine is like an antifreeze and sherry cocktail, the decor cheesy, tired and depressing. You are served by a frenzied maitre d' whose fright-wig teamed with his grotesque, psychotic over-familiarity torpedoes your tattered hopes of a moment's respite from this orgy of indignity.

Additional service on the Royal Star African Safari Club cruise is from wearily cheerful, indentured Filipino staff on micro-wages, superintended by a seemingly Xanaxed Greek misanthrope Captain, incapable of speech. The ship shaking and juddering to the ceaseless death throes of its geriatric engine, you may wish by day two to resort to painkillers and gin cocktails. I recommend dihydrocodeine tartrate, which take the edge off nicely, although you can stock up on Valium in Mombasa.

Further Delights: Illegal visa scam (ask the British High Commission in Dar) on board, which relieves you of $50 in return for a scrap of paper. Stupid policy (not advertised) of forcing return from Zanzibar at 5pm daily. 'Entertainment' provided by the 'Valmers Show Band', a time-ravaged middle aged couple painted Cuprinol-brown, who when not prodding the Bontempi organ and caterwauling, parade about in vile lime green swimwear intended for the young. Think Peter Stringfellow with Leonard Rossiter's hair and a mahogany paunch, then marry him to a toffee-dipped Zelda from 'Terrahawks'. Enjoy.

Your Delightful Companions: Fag chuffing car-boot divas, droning, hebephrenic senile Northerners killing your will to live with each senseless, tedious utterance that stumbles from their palsied lips, neurotic, wannabe-bourgeois types whose jaws lock in a terror-pastiche of a smile throughout dinner, petrified of farting or dropping an 'h', racist colonial fantasists lapping up the obvious dejection of the staff, and the locals alike, haughty, spoiled and tantrum-prone illiterates in every permutation of ugliness - usually fat, hatchet faced, sour, blunt and utterly lacking in any form of sensitivity or cultivation. Age group: Mainly 40-70, with a fair number of thirty-something couples and the usual contingent of kids. Keening, heedless girls, fat boys bursting through doors, a bony runt with ADHD limping like unfinished roadkill, nattering endlessly in a nasal whine, all but ignored by his shiftless, indifferent parents.

Members' Comments onHello Sailor's Review

• rogerharrop on 3rd Sep 2006

  This anonymous review is total garbage and says more about the writer I suspect than the cruise. we would recommend it to anyone - and we got back yesterday!

• rosiew on 13th Sep 2006

  I disagree. The staff, ship and food were delightful. The only thing I would say is the ship was a little rocky!! But saying that, what do you expect with an old ship? You're told that at the time of booking. The safari was great and the flamingo hotel OK. I can't say much about the dolphin, except it could do with a good clean and makeover.

• Richlee on 21st Oct 2006

  I disagree with your views. After enjoying a lovely cruise followed by a wonderful safari, I can only commend all the staff on-board the Royal Star for making my holiday such a wonderful experience.
  
  What type of cruise liner are you comparing The Royal Star to? RMS Queen Mary or P&O Arcadia? These luxury cruises provide a totally different type of holiday. Perhaps one better suited to your needs for next year.